Stopped by your place to see you...but I don't think you were home.  Sorry I missed you!

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you’ll know exactly what to do.

-Michelle Ventor

Today is my daughter's 21st birthday....

 

At her graveside, the day I buried her, my brother had 100 pink balloons released.  It was an awesome sight, all those balloons, varying shades of pink against a crystal blue sky.  So every year, on January 19th...a single pink balloon floats to heaven and its been that way for the past 16 years.  Tonight, my almost 16 year old son went out and bought a single pink balloon.  The clerk asked him if it was for his girl and he said yeah, its for my sister, she's my girl.  I just smiled and turned away so no one could see the tears. 

 

Happy Birthday Angel, where ever you are. 

 

 

 

 

Neil Young said: 

 

I'm moving...Good bye DC, and good riddance!!

 

 

 

 

If you are one of the millions (44.3 to be exact) of Americans who struggle w/mental illness, this is an especially hard time of year for us all.  But know this - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

MENTAL HEALTH FACTS

^ Link to these statistics, facts, quotes, etc.^

 

One in Five

22.1% of Americans ages 18 and older suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. Applied to U.S. Census figures, that's 44.3 million Americans.

National Institute of Mental Health, 2001

Archives of General Psychiatry, 1993; U.S. Census 1998

People with Mental Illness Enrich our Lives

Abraham Lincoln • Virginia Woolf • Lionel Aldridge • Eugene O'Neill • Ludwig van Beethoven • Gaetano Donizetti • Robert Schumann • Leo Tolstoy • Vaslov Nijinsky • John Keats • Tennessee Williams • Vincent Van Gogh • Isaac Newton • Ernest Hemingway • Sylvia Plath • Michelangelo • Winston Churchill • Vivien Leigh • Jimmy Piersall • Patty Duke • Charles Dickens

There is little evidence that the stigma f mental illness has been reduced in contemporary American society. Preference for social distance in most social settings between the public and those with mental health problems remains distressingly high.

MacArthur Foundation, NIMH & the National Science Foundation, 1996

Suicide is the 11 th leading cause of death among Americans.

Suicide is the 3 rd leading cause of death for young people 15-24 years of age. The incidence of suicide among adolescents and young adults has nearly tripled between 1952 and 1995 in the U.S.

National Institute of Mental Health, 2001

4 of the 10 leading causes of disability in the U.S. and other developed countries are mental disorders.

	Total (in millions)	% of Total
1. Major Depression	50.8	10.7
2. Iron deficiency anemia	22.0	4.7
3. Falls	22.0	4.6
4. Alcohol use	15.8	3.3
5. Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease	14.7	3.1
6. Bipolar Disorder	14.1	3.0
7. Congenital anomalies	13.5	2.9
8. Osteoarthritis	13.3	2.8
9. Schizophrenia	12.1	2.6
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorders	10.2	2.2

World Health Organization/World Bank

Harvard University Press, 1996

18.8 million American adults, 9.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older have a depressive disorder in a given year.

Nearly twice as many women (12.0 %) as men (6.6%) are affected by a depressive disorder each year.

National Institute of Mental Health, 2001

U.S. Census, 1998

Mental Health is not just the absence of Mental Illness

“Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”

The World Health Organization's 191 member states have endorsed this statement.

From the Constitution of the World Health Organization

Report on Mental Health: New Understanding, New Hope, 2001

“... Americans must understand and send this message: mental disability is not a scandal - it is an illness. And like physical illness, it is treatable, especially when the treatment comes early.”

“Our country must make a commitment. Americans with mental illness deserve our understanding and they deserve excellent care."

President George W. Bush

Launch of the President's New Freedom Initiative

April 29, 2002

The cost of severe mental illness to the U.S. economy is staggering. The price tag for direct treatment costs, including hospitalizations and medications, is $67 billion.

Health Care Spending: National Expenditures for Mental Health, Alcohol and other Drug Abuse Treatment

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 1998

The costs of untreated mental illness to the individual, family, and society are staggering.

Unnecessary Disability

Unemployment

Substance Abuse

Homelessness

Inappropriate Incarceration

Suicide

The economic cost of untreated mental illness is more than $100 billion each year in the U.S.

National Institute of Mental Health, 2001

60% of emergency physicians report that the upsurge in people with mental illness seeking treatment in community emergency departments is negatively affecting patient care, causing longer wait times, and affects everyone's access to life-saving treatment.

2/3 rds of these physicians attribute the recent escalation to state health care budget cutbacks and decreasing number of psychiatric beds for people living with mental illness in crisis.

American College of Emergency Physicians, national survey, 2004

It is easier for a person with a severe mental illness to get arrested than to get treatment. Jails and prisons are becoming a dominant living setting for persons with severe mental illness.

More than 10% of all inmates – 250,000 individuals – in prisons and jails suffer from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression, at an annual cost of $6 billion.

This is nearly 4x the number of those cared for in hospitals.

Criminal Justice and Behavior: Morris, Steadman, and Veysey, 1997

Severe mental illnesses are treatable disorders of the brain. Treatment works, if you can get it.

Success rates for treating mental illnesses are high:

•  Treatment success rate for bipolar disorder: 80%

•  For major depression: 65%

•  For schizophrenia: 60%

•  Treatment success rate for heart disease: 45%

Health Care Reform for Americans with Severe Mental Illness

National Advisory Mental Health Council, NIMH, 1993

An estimated 10-20% of children have one or more mental or behavioral problems.

Many mental and behavioral disorders commonly found among adults can begin in childhood.

World Health Organization

Report on Mental Health: New Understanding, New Hope, 2001

Mental health policies, legislation, community care facilities, and treatments for the mentally ill are dismally short of resources.

World Health Organization

Report on Mental Health: New Understanding, New Hope, 2001

Overwhelmingly, the American public believes that if treated, mental health problems will improve. They also believe, however, that if left untreated, these problems will not improve on their own.

Americans' Views of Mental Health and Illness at Century's End: Continuity and Change

“Film and television shows depicting mental illness can help the public learn it is treatable and that suicide is preventable…they have a greater ability to disseminate information and attitudes than we (health workers) do alone.”

– Former U.S. Surgeon General, David Satcher, M.D.

Unlike the rest of health care, Medications comprise only 3% of the costs for mental illness.

Some experts contend that they may be responsible for more than 50% of positive treatment outcomes.

“Restrictive Formularies,”M.Graham

Department of Healthcare Reform, National Mental Health Association

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.”

– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Mental Illness is not a choice.

Learn more before you judge.”

•  Steve Quinn

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.”

– Margaret Mead

“Hope is like a road in the country. There was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.”

– Lin Yutang

“The best way out is always through.”

– Robert Frost

“Recovery from mental illness is now a real possibility. The promise of the New Freedom Initiative – A life in the community for everyone – can be realized.”

Michael F. Hogan, Ph.D., Chairman
President's New Freedom Commission on Mental Health

July 22, 2003

“The time has long passed for yet another piecemeal approach to mental health reform. Instead, the Commission recommends a fundamental transformation of the Nation's approach to mental health care. This transformation must ensure that mental health services and supports actively facilitate recovery, and build resilience to face life's challenges.”

Michael F. Hogan, Ph.D., Chairman
President's New Freedom Commission on Mental Health, 2003

“Too often, today's system simply manages symptoms and accepts long-term disability. Building on the principles of the New Freedom Initiative, the recommendations we propose can improve the lives of millions of our fellow citizens now living with mental illnesses. The benefits will be felt across America in families, communities, schools, and workplaces.”

Michael F. Hogan, Ph.D., Chairman
President's New Freedom Commission on Mental Health, 2003

In Massachusetts:

Nearly 185,000 of MA's 6,000,000 residents have a severe mental illness.

U.S. Center for Mental Health Services

U.S. Census, 2000

Roughly 20,000 individuals with mental illness are waiting on lists for services from the Massachusetts Department of Mental Health.

These are nearly 50% of those who are eligible for services.

Massachusetts Department of Mental Health, 2000

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), it is a violation of an individual's civil rights to deprive him or her of the opportunity to live in integrated community settings.

States must assume a leadership role in ensuring that people with mental illness have access to permanent and affordable housing of their choice.

Currently there is a severe housing crisis in MA.

U.S. Supreme Court, Olmstead v. L.C., 1999

In 2000, the estimated number of children and adolescents with a serious mental disorder in the U.S. was over 1,866,000.

= More than 58,000 in MA.

An estimated 17.6 % of those affected live in poverty.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2001

Health Disparities

There are only 29 Latino mental health professional for every 100,000 Latinos in the U.S.

51% of White health care providers believe their patients do not adhere to medical treatments as a result of cultural or linguistic barriers.

Of this same group, 56% report having no form of cultural competency training.

Center for Mental Health Services, SAMHS, 1999

“Minority children … are much less likely than Whites to get the help they need and much more likely than Whites to be trapped into a system from which many never return.

This represents not only a loss of freedom, but also a loss of tremendous human potential.”

Mental Health: Culture, Race, Ethnicity

Supplement to U.S. Surgeon General's Report on Mental Health, 2001

African Americans are over-represented in high-need populations that are particularly at risk for mental illness:

•  40% of the homeless population.

•  Nearly 50% of all prisoners in state and federal jurisdictions

•  almost 40% of juveniles in legal custody.

African American patients released from inpatient mental health care only receive follow up care 33% of the time, compared with 54% for whites.

Mental Health: Culture, Race, Ethnicity

Supplement to U.S. Surgeon General's Report on Mental Health, 2001

Barriers to Recovery

Work Disincentives: Lack of continued health coverage is the single most significant policy barrier to gain meaningful employment for persons receiving Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) and Supplementary Security Income (SSI).

Consequently, and 85-90% unemployment rate exists among individuals with mental illness.

Priced Out in 1998: The Housing Crisis for People with Disabilities

Edgar, E, et al.; Technical Assistance Collaborative;

Consortium for Citizens with Disabilities Housing Task Force, 1999

Nearly 50% of individuals with severe mental illness receive either SSDI or SSI. With an average combined monthly SSDI and SSI benefit of $1100, persons struggling with these disorders are among the lowest income households in the country.

Priced Out in 1998: The Housing Crisis for People with Disabilities

Edgar, E, et al.; Technical Assistance Collaborative;

Consortium for Citizens with Disabilities Housing Task Force, 1999

NAMI

With more than 210,000 members, NAMI (the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) is the nation's leading grassroots advocacy organization solely dedicated to improving the quality of life for individuals living with mental illness and their families.

NAMI promotes SUPPORT for individuals living with mental illness and their families. EDUCATION to raise awareness about mental illness and to eliminate the stigma often associated with these biological brain disorders. ADVOCACY at state, national, and local levels to raise funding for non-discriminatory and equitable treatment and services for individuals with mental illness in the public and private sectors. RESEARCH into causes, symptoms and treatment of mental illness.

Don't be afraid
Close your eyes
Lay it all down
Don't you cry
Can't you see I'm going
Where I can see the sun rise
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright

I've always had to run
I don't know just why
Desire slowly smoking
Under the midwest sky
There's something waiting out there
That says I've got to try
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright

This town thinks I'm crazy
They just think I'm strange
Sometimes they want to own me
Sometimes they wish I'd change
But I can feel the thunder
Underneath my feet
I sold my soul for freedom
It's lonely but it's sweet

Don't be afraid
Close your eyes
Lay it all down
Don't you cry
Can't you see
I'm going
Where I can see the sun rise
I've been talking to my angel
And he said that it's alright

See the Christmas list in my photo album?  That's also my birthday list...so if you feel like getting me something, any of those things would be just peachy!  I especially want that Fuzzy Wuzzy soap cause I'm so glad I didn't dream that shit up.  I talked about it a couple of times to people and they looked at me like I was growing a second head.  That stuff really did grow fur and I want to know how???  Thank God I finally found it on the internet.  Geeeez...not all my childhood memories are just demented psychosis are they?

Finally, birthday week is here and I have with some effort managed to NOT mention to anyone that I will be turning 44 this week.  I have intentionally not mentioned it to Mike because I want to see if he remembers.  He should since we've been together for 4 years and two years ago on my birthday he had his long time companion, a black lab named Bud, put to sleep.  Bud had cancer and it was the humane thing to do...but could he not have waited two days?  Or maybe taken him out a couple of days early?  Noooooooooooo...he had to wait and do it right on the 15th of December...then call me and squeak out a nearly unitelligible "Bud's gone" before wishing me happy birthday thru his tears.  Yippee. 

 

I wonder if he will remember...I wonder why I feel the need to play these games with him...I wonder how we've kept this relationship going for 4 freakin years.  I guess there's some validity to what my brother keeps telling me...you're comfortable with your situation so you do little to change it.  He's right...I know he's right.  I'm calling the therapist today.  Its time to get back in shape, mind first.

Inspired by Indigo's tribute to the Beatles....

 

 

I'm just a two-bit hack on Spaces.  I should say half the shit that runs through my head during the day and maybe somebody would read this pathetic blog.  I don't even know why I'm here sometimes....oh, wait a minute...yes I do, I love all of the other Spaces, the ones that make me laugh and keep me from throwing myself off the roof of the parking garage. 

This quiz was eerily accurate. 

Get to know yourself better

 

 

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" - - Dave Barry "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

 

---

Be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur.

-Muriel Spark

Stephen Carden was my college philosophy professor and my uncle Dickie's best friend, Belinda Mason was Prof. Carden's  wife. 

 

A native of eastern Kentucky, Belinda Mason was, as she
says, "a small-town journalist, a young mother, a reliable
Tupperware party guest" until she became infected with HIV in 1987
She decided to go public with her condition and devoted the
remainder of her life as an advocate for AIDS prevention,
education, treatment, and human rights.  In this program, Belinda
talks about her own experiences dealing with AIDS and the support
she found within her rural community.  "AIDS is less about dying
than about choosing how to live," she says.  Included is a
presentation she made with her pastor to members of the Southern
Baptist convention.  She noted, "People ask me if I think AIDS is
a punishment from God. I can't pretend to fathom what God is
thinking but maybe we should look at AIDS as a test, not for the
people who are infected, but for the rest of us."  Belinda also
comments on her role and responsbilities as a national spokesman
for people with AIDS, saying "one Bush Administration insider, when
asked to explain the President's decision to bestow a coveted seat
on the National Commission on AIDS on me, observed that I was
'palatable' -- like mashed potatoes and gravy."*

 

 

Belinda Mason Carden died from AIDS related complications in 1991.  Her contribution to the fight against AIDS and her efforts to inform the rest of us are I think, note worthy. 

I can't remember a time when I haven't been a little meloncholoy around the holidays, but I do know when the whole season started to completely lose its luster as far as I was concerned.  I always think back to that first year without Katie, my first Christmas without my baby girl...it was the defining year for me regarding the holidays.  That year my gut instinct was to completely withdrawl from society until it was over.  Josh was only 9 months old and even though he was walking and very much aware that something was up, I don't think it would of had any adverse effect on him if we hadn't celebrated.  My family however, determined to keep me around and fearing the worst, bent over backwards to make it the most heavenly holiday we'd ever had.  Even my scrooge of a mother who has been wrecking holiday's for us since 1961, was knocking herself out to make it the merriest of christmases ever!  My parents lit up their house like a beacon.  I know you could see that house from space when they were finished.  Lights every freakin where...I was actually a little scared when my mother started baking cookies.  I recieved a few christmas cards from friends, but mostly I was shunned.  No one knew what to say to me.  Merry Christmas seems an inappropriate greeting to sing out to a grieving mother I'm sure...but let me tell you, its 10 times better than being completely ignored.  I know everyone was afraid of saying the wrong thing, I felt their discomfort when I was out shopping and would bump into the one's unfortunate enough not to have seen me first and therefore not managed to hide from me. 

 

In the quiet of the night, when I couldn't sleep...I would sit and stare at the beautifully lit tree, or gaze into the dying embers of the fire and let the memories flood my brain.  I could see Katie's sweet face, her soft, rosy cheeks that were flushed with fever for the last couple of months of her life.  I could see her little hands and tiny feet and remembered how we sat in the hospital bed that last christmas eve...coating each other's nails with Santa Red polish.  She was wearing antlers on her little bald head and a little angel button was pinned to her candy cane striped night gown.  Gracie, the volunteer lady who brought around the book cart, baked us a batch of gingerbread men and Renee, Katie's most favorite radiation tech brought us a box full of homemade candy!  We had fudge, peanut brittle, divinity (and it was divine!) and peppermint bark.  Katie barely touched the sweets but every bite was a triumph at that point.  With ever bite of food and every sip of liquid I cheered her on!  The smallest of miracles brought great joy to me at that point.  We weren't in intensive care, we weren't on any kind of restictions, we had toys, art supplies and treats...so what if we were stuck in the hopsital?   All the children recieved tiny trees for their rooms so I bought a strand of lights and lit Katie's up.  I trimmed the window with garland and hung all of her greeting cards.  I wrapped all of her presents at the motel and brought them to the hospital.  That Christmas eve, it was just me and my baby girl...it snowed in Memphis and for the first time in years the Mississippi river  had frozen over...and errie fog rose off the water.  You could see the bridge into West Memphis from the window of the 8th floor at St. Jude's and I put Katie in a wheel chair and wheeled her around to see.  She worried about how Santa would find her in the hospital, and now thru this fog!  I reassured her, Santa could never forget such a sweet little angel and she would soon be up to her eyeballs in goodies.  That was our last Christmas together...I remember her snuggling up to me, all warm, soft and sweet...I remember kissing her little bald head a million times knowing I had a life time of kisses to give and that life time was going to all too soon come to an end. 

 

I had no way of knowing Katie would be gone in just two short months but I sensed we didn't have long.  My parents still wish they had been there but we were all in denial.  None of us wanted to admit what was painfully obvious to any outside observer...this child would not see another christmas. 

 

Now, a year later, I sat alone in the den, bathed in the light and warmth of the fire and the twinkling lights of the tree but I was so far away from Christmas.  I declined to attend the family celebration at my aunts the next day.  My parents took my son and left me to myself.  He was so young, I hardly think it effected him.  In the insuing years I have done my best to hid my disdain for the season.  But that one day...that first Christmas day with out my daughter...well it was a turning point in my life.  Alone, I took the tiny tree I had saved from her hospital room and her favorite baby doll and made my way to the cemetery.  The whole world seemed to be blanketed in white, the bare trees frozen in time.  The sky was blue and the sun was shining yet it was still stinging cold.  I crunched through the snow to her tiny headstone and dropped to my knees, the tears streaming down my face were so hot they produced steam.  It was really a virtual winter wonderland in that cemetary and it did feel a bit magical with the glint of sun relfecting off all that snow and ice.  I talked to Katie for a while then left her with the tiny tree and her favorite doll and went home empty, sad and alone. 

 

I wish I had some big inspirational message for everyone...but I don't.  That was all a long time ago but I don't feel any better.  Can you believe people are still uncomfortable talking to me about my little girl?  Of course she would be 20 years old now...but I'm still her mother, I still have a daughter even if she isn't with me and I still love her as much as I did then.  No, I bring nothing to the table as far as inspiration goes...except maybe if you know someone who is experiencing some kind of pain or loss, maybe you could reach out to them.  Tell them no, you are NOT going to leave them alone and YES you should talk about the pain.  Let's all worry less about how things look and how much they cost and more about how things feel.  Lets just treat each other better and take care of all those who can't take care of themselves.  I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.

 

~Barb (aka scrooge Mom!)

 

I received this in an email this morning.  I regret that I do not know to whom to attribute this very funny piece of work.  If you know it's origin, please leave a comment. 

 

Why God created children (and in the process, grandchildren)

to those of us who have children in our lives, whether our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews or students....

here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his own children..

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was

"DON'T!!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit?? We have forbidden fruit? Hey! Eve! We have forbidden fruit!"

Eve, "No way'!

Adam, "Yes, way!"

God said again, "Do not eat the fruit! Did you not hear me the first time??"

"Why?!"

"Because I am your Father and I said so and that's the only reason you need!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break behind the tree and he was ticked!

"I thought I told you not to eat the fruit! Isn't that what I said...didn't I say, DON'T eat the fruit?

Adam, "Uh huh."

Do you think I was just talking to hear my head rattle? What is wrong with you kids? Why are you eating that fruit??"

Eve, "I don't know."

"It was her idea" Adam said, pointing at Eve.

"Was NOT!."

"WAS TOO!"

"NO IT WASN'T!"

Finally God had had enough of these two and as a punishment he decided that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Things to think about:

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing our own children.

Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word anything you shouldn't have said with in earshot of your children.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind ourselves that there are children worse than our own.

We childproofed our homes but they keep getting back in.

Advice for the day:

Be nice to your kids - one day they will be choosing your nursing home.

And finally:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the the asipirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin and keep away from children!!"

 

 

"Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music"  ~Tom Sims