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November 30 Where are you Christmas?I can't remember a time when I haven't been a little meloncholoy around the holidays, but I do know when the whole season started to completely lose its luster as far as I was concerned. I always think back to that first year without Katie, my first Christmas without my baby girl...it was the defining year for me regarding the holidays. That year my gut instinct was to completely withdrawl from society until it was over. Josh was only 9 months old and even though he was walking and very much aware that something was up, I don't think it would of had any adverse effect on him if we hadn't celebrated. My family however, determined to keep me around and fearing the worst, bent over backwards to make it the most heavenly holiday we'd ever had. Even my scrooge of a mother who has been wrecking holiday's for us since 1961, was knocking herself out to make it the merriest of christmases ever! My parents lit up their house like a beacon. I know you could see that house from space when they were finished. Lights every freakin where...I was actually a little scared when my mother started baking cookies. I recieved a few christmas cards from friends, but mostly I was shunned. No one knew what to say to me. Merry Christmas seems an inappropriate greeting to sing out to a grieving mother I'm sure...but let me tell you, its 10 times better than being completely ignored. I know everyone was afraid of saying the wrong thing, I felt their discomfort when I was out shopping and would bump into the one's unfortunate enough not to have seen me first and therefore not managed to hide from me.
In the quiet of the night, when I couldn't sleep...I would sit and stare at the beautifully lit tree, or gaze into the dying embers of the fire and let the memories flood my brain. I could see Katie's sweet face, her soft, rosy cheeks that were flushed with fever for the last couple of months of her life. I could see her little hands and tiny feet and remembered how we sat in the hospital bed that last christmas eve...coating each other's nails with Santa Red polish. She was wearing antlers on her little bald head and a little angel button was pinned to her candy cane striped night gown. Gracie, the volunteer lady who brought around the book cart, baked us a batch of gingerbread men and Renee, Katie's most favorite radiation tech brought us a box full of homemade candy! We had fudge, peanut brittle, divinity (and it was divine!) and peppermint bark. Katie barely touched the sweets but every bite was a triumph at that point. With ever bite of food and every sip of liquid I cheered her on! The smallest of miracles brought great joy to me at that point. We weren't in intensive care, we weren't on any kind of restictions, we had toys, art supplies and treats...so what if we were stuck in the hopsital? All the children recieved tiny trees for their rooms so I bought a strand of lights and lit Katie's up. I trimmed the window with garland and hung all of her greeting cards. I wrapped all of her presents at the motel and brought them to the hospital. That Christmas eve, it was just me and my baby girl...it snowed in Memphis and for the first time in years the Mississippi river had frozen over...and errie fog rose off the water. You could see the bridge into West Memphis from the window of the 8th floor at St. Jude's and I put Katie in a wheel chair and wheeled her around to see. She worried about how Santa would find her in the hospital, and now thru this fog! I reassured her, Santa could never forget such a sweet little angel and she would soon be up to her eyeballs in goodies. That was our last Christmas together...I remember her snuggling up to me, all warm, soft and sweet...I remember kissing her little bald head a million times knowing I had a life time of kisses to give and that life time was going to all too soon come to an end.
I had no way of knowing Katie would be gone in just two short months but I sensed we didn't have long. My parents still wish they had been there but we were all in denial. None of us wanted to admit what was painfully obvious to any outside observer...this child would not see another christmas.
Now, a year later, I sat alone in the den, bathed in the light and warmth of the fire and the twinkling lights of the tree but I was so far away from Christmas. I declined to attend the family celebration at my aunts the next day. My parents took my son and left me to myself. He was so young, I hardly think it effected him. In the insuing years I have done my best to hid my disdain for the season. But that one day...that first Christmas day with out my daughter...well it was a turning point in my life. Alone, I took the tiny tree I had saved from her hospital room and her favorite baby doll and made my way to the cemetery. The whole world seemed to be blanketed in white, the bare trees frozen in time. The sky was blue and the sun was shining yet it was still stinging cold. I crunched through the snow to her tiny headstone and dropped to my knees, the tears streaming down my face were so hot they produced steam. It was really a virtual winter wonderland in that cemetary and it did feel a bit magical with the glint of sun relfecting off all that snow and ice. I talked to Katie for a while then left her with the tiny tree and her favorite doll and went home empty, sad and alone.
I wish I had some big inspirational message for everyone...but I don't. That was all a long time ago but I don't feel any better. Can you believe people are still uncomfortable talking to me about my little girl? Of course she would be 20 years old now...but I'm still her mother, I still have a daughter even if she isn't with me and I still love her as much as I did then. No, I bring nothing to the table as far as inspiration goes...except maybe if you know someone who is experiencing some kind of pain or loss, maybe you could reach out to them. Tell them no, you are NOT going to leave them alone and YES you should talk about the pain. Let's all worry less about how things look and how much they cost and more about how things feel. Lets just treat each other better and take care of all those who can't take care of themselves. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.
~Barb (aka scrooge Mom!)
I relate to thisI received this in an email this morning. I regret that I do not know to whom to attribute this very funny piece of work. If you know it's origin, please leave a comment.
Why God created children (and in the process, grandchildren) to those of us who have children in our lives, whether our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews or students.... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his own children.. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit?? We have forbidden fruit? Hey! Eve! We have forbidden fruit!" Eve, "No way'! Adam, "Yes, way!" God said again, "Do not eat the fruit! Did you not hear me the first time??" "Why?!" "Because I am your Father and I said so and that's the only reason you need!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break behind the tree and he was ticked! "I thought I told you not to eat the fruit! Isn't that what I said...didn't I say, DON'T eat the fruit? Adam, "Uh huh." Do you think I was just talking to hear my head rattle? What is wrong with you kids? Why are you eating that fruit??" Eve, "I don't know." "It was her idea" Adam said, pointing at Eve. "Was NOT!." "WAS TOO!" "NO IT WASN'T!" Finally God had had enough of these two and as a punishment he decided that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? Things to think about: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing our own children. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word anything you shouldn't have said with in earshot of your children. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind ourselves that there are children worse than our own. We childproofed our homes but they keep getting back in. Advice for the day: Be nice to your kids - one day they will be choosing your nursing home. And finally: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the the asipirin bottle: "Take two aspirin and keep away from children!!" November 29 How do you feel about christmas?I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple
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"Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music" ~Tom SimsBetter to light one small candle....
I'm not a very jovial person this time of year. I will turn another year older soon and I hate the holidays in general. I feel old and its all become to commercial for me. It's lost it's meaning. I will however light a candle for the lost souls. I know there are other's like me who fail to find joy in the holidays. I am trying to reform. In the mean time, I will leave the light on.
November 27 Yeah, I have to agreeA casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. Friedrich Nietzsche November 15 Oldies but goodies....If you love me let me know
Olivia Newton-John (J. Rostill)You came when I was happy in your sunshine I grew to love you more each passing day Before too long I built my world around you And I prayed you'd love enough of me to stay If you love me let me know If you don't then let me go I can't take another minute Of a day without you in it If you love me let it be If you don't then set me free Take the chains away That keep me loving you The arms that open wide to hold me closer The hands that run their fingers through my hair The smile that says "hello, it's good to see you" Anytime I turn around to find you there It's this and so much more that make me love you What else can I do to make you see You know you have whatever's mine to give you But a love affair for one can never be If you love me let me know If you don't then let me go I can't take another minute Of a day without you in it If you love me let it be If you don't then set me free Take the chains away That keep me loving you Take the chains away That keep me loving you Loving you November 11 Raising a little hell??This is a poem by my Rockstar/backyard wrestler/ICP fan son...(I'm afraid)
PARANORMAL
a poem by josh
Walking through winter weather a beautiful fruit like a peach.
It smells oh so sweet peel it open so unique.
It’s like the flesh of a woman.
Soft and tender with a bit of fuzz.
And when you bite, it taste of moonshine whisky.
Soft and sweet but if you eat too many you will get drunk.
Something you will only find here brother.
In a land far from all the others.
Has no name but it will take you away.
Like bleeding hearts are bound together.
Just as rawhide and or leather.
It tells you different but you’ll know better.
Like two lovers in a relationship.
You with it - will come together.
It has many creatures that would scare most.
But make people like us just wonder.
Peace of mind and what ever.
Binding hearts bleed together.
And bleeding hearts beat together.
And that you call harmony.
And harmony normal to odd.
And odd brings odd minds to places like this.
Sun shining and snow is falling.
And hot as a hairy fat man in a fur overcoat.
Don’t mind that thought.
And I don’t care what you think anyway.
This land accepts people like me because I’m different.
And rejects people like you who are normal.
Take back the paranormal.
I under stand this land and it hates people like you.
Because of your mindset - fuck normal. QuoteYou can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on. -Homer Simpson November 10 Pain and GratitudeSo my mouth still "feels" like raw meat and I have a really weird taste in there from rinsing with salt water. The pain however has subsided. I can't wait to get my implants. I hope it doesn't hurt as much putting teeth in as it did taking them out!!!! November 09 Gratitude UpdateIt's getting easier and easier. Today I am grateful for my nice quiet office where I can shut the door and surf the net while the rest of the group prepares for office moves (I'm not moving).
I'm grateful for the best UPS office around! They met me at the door, made sure the clothes I was shipping were neatly packed and wrapped so they wouldn't be damaged if they got wet (it is going to rain here and where I shipped to in the next couple of days), then retaped my boxes and helped me find the best rate. I love those guys in brown!
I'm grateful for a nice cozy little home, a tasty hot meal at the end of a long day and a computer that keeps me connected to the world while MCI continues to try and figure out what the problem is with my phone line (for once the bill is caught up...figures the line would go dead).
I'm starting to figure out this gratitude thing...its all about what you choice. You can focus on the bad things that happen during the day or you can remember what went right and focus on that.
Oh, one more thing...my mouth seems to be healing quite nicely. I'm grateful for the easing of the pain!
November 08 I'm a survivor!Stolen from the space of the one and only Evil Stitchypoo. Dust off your flugelhorn and heat up the sausages, 'cause you're The Swiss!Decked in neutrality for almost a billion years now, the Swiss are always the favourites to survive any nuclear conflict. Not only do they have the most amazing dress sense, but they've also got keen technical knowhow, a very logical cultural heritage and seventeen extra feet which they keep in their heads. The Swiss are stereotypically associated with cuckoo clocks, chocolate, fondue and yodelling; it should be pointed out that they also enjoy running through the hills, goat farming and keeping the Earth safe from alien scum.
November 07 Sometimes Gratitude is difficultI'm leaving for the dentist shortly...I am finding it very difficult to be grateful. I'm going to have roots cut out. I am not looking forward to it. Tonight...I will be grateful for vicodine.
Wish me luck.
~Barb November 05 GratitudeMy gratitude entry for the day....
Actually, it's evening and I'm grateful for banana rum and pineapple juice.
 Quote to live by....Today's Quote  In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich. -Dietrich Bonhoeffer from beliefnet.com From the best of craig's listI found this post both interesting and significant because I myself have two gay brothers. One of them would like to adopt children, they have both successfully raised pets:
This is from the best of Craig's List
10 reasons why gay marriage should be illegal
Reply to: anon-102351114@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Oct 06 12:53:50 2005 10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong 01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. 10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage.
You just gotta love that Craig. His list is the best!!! Gratitude (Nov. 4, 2005)Whole Foods pure cranberry juice
V-8
Coffee
Bottled water
(see a theme here?)
Not breaking any bones when I fell down the steps this morning as I was rushing out the door
Not knocking out any more teeth when I fell
My nice neighbor who came running to her door when she heard me fall to see if I was okay then asked me if I wanted to come in and sit for a minute
Not breaking any of the Blockbuster movies that scattered down the next two flights of stairs
Getting to work and finding cookies sitting on my chair, from one of my coworkers who likes to bring treats for my son
Getting to work so early that I have a parking space in the front row
Having all my bills caught up and paid just 5 days into the new month
A baggy full of cheerios that I'm snacking on as I write this
New shoes
A faux fur pillow I picked up at Target last night that I'm now sitting on
Not having to move to a new office like many of my study area coworkers as our group jockeys for a new section of the building
November 03 GratitudeDon't take your teeth for granted.
I'm not sure but I think I'm psychic -
Months ago I woke up from a dream and ran to the computer and blogged it. This is the entry:
Things have got to change around here...
She pulls her hair back in a neat little pony tail and secures it with a black scrunchie. She stands in the bathroom in her new black lace bra and a matching thong. Her tummy has a little bulge and the dimples around her belly button grow deeper by the day. Little ripples of fatty deposits settle in, years of yo-yo dieting have left her with millions of bloated fat cells. She turns to examine her appearance from the back, not to shabby. At least her butt is still tight and in its original position and pale as they are, her legs look great. The little black lingerie ensemble was purchased to boost her self-esteem. As long as she ignores the front, it might work. She applies her lotion and make up gingerly, examining her face for signs of aging. So far so good, only a few superficial laugh lines around the eyes. A quick swish of the mascara wand to give her pale lashes color and a swipe of clear pink gloss on the lips and she finishes up in the bathroom. She goes to the bedroom and pulls a black sleeveless cotton mock turtle neck from the closet and carefully pulls it on over her sleeked back hair, failing though to avoid the make up. She returns to the bathroom and with a damp cloth manages to remove most of the make up from her black collar. Turning back to the bedroom, she pulls on a long black skirt. She simultaneously slips into a pair of black thong sandals and secures a pair of wide gold hoops to her earlobes. One gold ring and a single gold bangle bracelet later, she is back in the bathroom to give herself the once over in the full length mirror before running out the door to work. As she rounds the corner into the combination living room, dining room, kitchen, she catches the front of her thong sandal on the charger cord to her sons Ipod that has been strung across the walkway to an outlet on the other side of the room. She falls forward, catching herself on the half wall/bar that separates the kitchen from the living room, but not before her mouth smashes into the edge of the counter. Hand to her mouth she runs back to the bathroom. In the mirror she sees a trickle of blood and in her hand lays one pearly white cap. $10,000 dollars worth of dental work, destroyed in a second. She begins rummaging through the drawer for the super glue...looks like she's going to be late this morning. ~Barb *************************************************************
Unpublished work © 2005 BAH Well, in about 20 minutes I am off to the dentist. I actually did knock out a cap. Its a a sandwich bag in my jacket pocket. Front tooth just to the left of the center two. Broke it off at the post. I am in for a fun morning!!!
What I am thankful for this morning:
Dental insurance
A good dentist
Not swallowing my tooth when I knocked it out
Big brother who is going to cover the additional cost of replacing this tooth
I am indeed a lucky woman. November 02 Wabi Sabi SpiritualityTaken from Beliefnet.com
If you’re like most people, you haven’t heard of wabi sabi. But you probably will. For the last few years, this quirky term has seeped into popular culture in the form of books, blog mentions, and the occasional article or mention in a design magazine. Some people call it the “new feng shui.” But that doesn’t give wabi sabi—and the spirituality that infuses it—nearly enough credit, since wabi sabi is its own ancient, yet very fresh, idea. It’s one of those intuitive concepts that you probably have to “get” through experience rather than through reading (which is why we’ve included the photo gallery on the right). In a nutshell, wabi sabi is a Japanese philosophy that teaches that beauty and wisdom are not "out there" to be discovered, but are instead here in this moment. Many of its concepts correlate with ideas of Zen Buddhism, because the first Japanese involved with wabi sabi were tea masters, priests, and monks who practiced Zen.
Author Richard Powell recently explained his appreciation for wabi sabi spirituality in an interview with Beliefnet managing editor Deborah Caldwell. Could you define wabi sabi? The words are old--they go back to the beginning of the Japanese language. Originally, wabi just meant poverty, and sabi meant loneliness, or solitude. The word wabi was first used to describe hermits and other people who went out into remote areas to contemplate nature. That idea is very important to Japanese culture. Read more here: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/176/story_17661_1.html
GratitudeI'm trying to make gratitude part of my daily routine. I do have a lot to be grateful for.
Today,
I am grateful that I woke up in a nice warm bed.
I'm grateful to easily swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand up on my own with no assistance. I know someone who can't and wishes she could.
I am grateful to step into the shower and stand in the nice warm clean running water. There are many in the world who do not know what it's like to bathe daily, they don't even have clean water to drink.
I am grateful that my son is well and I had access to adaquate healthcare to make him better...he even got his flu shot once the pneumonia was under control. I watched a show last night about antibiotics and viruses. Did you know there are more cases of TB in the world today than at any other time in history, yet no new antibiotics to combat it have been developed for over 30 years?
I was able to drive my son to school where he is getting a better education than most children in the world.
I made it to work without being shot at, no one will torture me today for my religious beliefs, chances are good that no bombs will explode at the little lunch joint I plan to visit around noon to meet up with some friends....
My negative thought patterns must change. I'm not wealthy, but I have a place to live, unlike 6000 individuals who make up the homeless population in our nation's capital....many of them children. I have a better life than 90% of the world's population...what right do I have to complain?
Time to get on with my life and count my blessings. Why is that so hard for us to do? |
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